I'm reading and contemplating this rather bizarre "catalog," that focuses on building your own perfect bird, part by part, in a world (2031) where birds have become extinct. To quote p. 4 in the text:
"To build the proper way, you'll need more than Patience and Optimism. You'll also need the RIGHT PARTS."
In these days of standardized "accountability," I have been thinking about why our teaching species are endangered, many disappearing, while others have already gone, and whether we should worry. By 2031, will a company have created a catalog for building your own teacher?
Consider this YouTube "trailer" for Aviary Wonders, Inc.
Now, let's reword this for teachers:
"Teachers of the past faced many dangers: norm-referenced test scores, school grades, budget cuts, pay freezes, skyrocketing insurance costs, decreases in benefits... the list goes on and on.
But now, it's 2031...
Here is the classroom--where are teachers? They're now extinct...
But don't worry!
Now you can have your very own teacher in any style you want with 'Teaching Wonders'.
And you don't have to settle for some boring, antiquated, real-life teacher! Choose from hundreds of possible combinations of your favorite kinds of Teaching Wonders...
Each Teaching Wonder Teacher comes complete with all of the Assembly Instructions and a manual that shows you how to train your teacher to get good test scores while providing you with entertainment and a passion for learning. All this can be yours... with Teaching Wonders.
Who needs real teachers when Teaching Wonders can provide you with everything you need?"
So why do you need a Teaching Wonder?
Imagine the thrill of purchasing the teacher that is available at your beck and call, delivering the perfect script with just the right words, ideal tone of voice, willingness to repeat directions up to 300 times all while displaying an impeccable, lifelike smile and remarkably human LED eyes (choice of color available)! The plastic skin (color choices available) is guaranteed not to tarnish or wrinkle from years of worry or thinking pesky beliefs or best practices.
Patented engineered movable parts will allow your Teaching Wonder to point to worksheets, hold a pencil or ruler, or even type on your electronic devices. Your Teaching Wonder arrives dressed in a professional-looking school uniform of up to two of your favorite colors--but WAIT! You can use our convenient, online catalog to purchase other stylish outfits from our Teaching Wonders clothing line (on size fits all Teaching Wonders). or your Teaching Wonder, dressing it up for special occasions, making it more like a family member than an employee. Picture how envious your friends will be!
Best of all, your little ones will appreciate the convenience having time built in to their day, so that they can play video games, watch TV, text their friends for social fun, and explore other mind-stretching interests--all while safely knowing that your user-friendly Teaching Wonder is always available when your student is ready to learn. Imagine how this will free up your time--and your child's--so that education no longer needs to be of concern! Parent-teacher conferences and "Back to School" nights will be an inconvenience of the past. All you have to do is build your own Teaching Wonder, like your favorite teacher that lives in your memory (or imagination).
Students will now have more time for true passions while parents may rest assured that their dear ones will become consummate test-takers, producing the highest scores ever known to man, which is surefire proof of authentic learning and college/career readiness. Teaching Wonders teachers are handcrafted by "artisans" from your favorite textbook/testing company; take pride in being able to tell your friends that your Teaching Wonder is the best, most high-quality teacher on the market.
Your Teaching Wonder is an "agent of change" programmed to automatically notify parents via convenient texts or emails with updates regarding daily testing practice. It's a dream solution to all of your worries! Purchasing optional updates will allow your Teaching Wonder to provide research-based spreadsheets of other data about your child, including quantifying of trips to the restroom, attempts to contact friends, calls to 911 or Nancy Grace, DCS, and more! You can even purchase an update that will allow your Teaching Wonder to track and report the quantity and types of contact it makes with you on a handy printout, PDF, or Google Doc. The program will conveniently track this data on the Teaching Wonder's performance rubric so that you don't have to!
We are proud to announce that starting this fall, parents will be able to pay an annual fee to include a built-in "spy cam" in the eyes of your Teaching Wonder. Imagine the possibilities! It will seem like you are there, sharing in your child's education, even when you have to go to work, the store, or enjoy a night out! Think of the savings--no more babysitters or daycare! You and your child will be amazed and delighted.
Your personalized Teaching Wonder has been proven to protect Americans from experiencing the flaws of faulty intellectual thinking that might result in their developing defective beliefs. Instead, discover the comfort you and your family will take in believing that politicians and other leaders, textbook publishers/testing companies, and billionaires are trusted change agents with only the best intentions. Your family will love the peace of mind!
Best of all, your tax dollars will support a portion of the initial start-up fee (excluding the cost of the Teaching Wonder), making this an affordable alternative to public education. For each year that you renew your membership in the exclusive Teaching Wonders Organization, you will earn the use of additional tax dollars for virtually free or inexpensive updates for your Teaching Wonder, including unlimited access to online test prep materials. Your child will anxiously anticipate the hours of learning fun, and you will love the results!
Troubleshooting:
Your Teaching Wonder is virtually foolproof; if within 90 days you are not fully satisfied, you could be eligible for free software updates (see requirements below) if your Teaching Wonder begins to:
- independently form thoughts that deviate from programming
- ask questions that cannot be answered by choosing A, B, C, or D
- require work that is complex but which may not intentionally increase your test scores
- fail to follow the copyrighted Teaching Wonders script with fidelity
- perform any other corrupt teaching practice that endangers a perfect educational testing experience
Though your Teaching Wonder has been programmed to only read the script, studies have shown that more advanced Teaching Wonders are sometimes impacted by students' questions, stories about their lives, or their human faces/eyes/emotions. Your Teaching Wonder contains a sophisticated computer chip to recognize feelings, moods, and key words in students' stories and will direct all non-academic/non-tested thoughts, questions, and feelings to the human parent.
If that chip becomes defective, your Teaching Wonder might begin to experiment with developing a personality or other disconcerting social habits, such as expressing opinions or believing that it has real thoughts or attempting independent communication with the outside world. IF that happens, remember that your Teaching Wonder is not the responsibility of your lawmaker or any laws/policies! You may opt to return your Teaching Wonder and use the prorated tax dollars toward enrolling your student in a nearby charter school that employs only the most effective Teaching Wonders with the best research-based scripts for increasing the value of our nation's human capital--your child.
If you choose, instead, to rehabilitate your defective Teaching Wonder, you may digitally send your Teaching Wonder's year of manufacture along with an evaluative rubric of imperfections and evidence of decreased test scores to us; upon approval, your Teaching Wonder may become eligible for special downloaded updates that occur over a period of time (conveniently excluding weekends, holidays, and up to 30 days of your family's vacation/activities time per year). If, at the end of that time, you are not fully satisfied, you may exchange your Teaching Wonder for an more recent model that is guaranteed to be cost-effective (though not necessarily deemed more effective as a teacher). Extra costs (beyond tax dollars) will apply.
Therefore, in order to ensure that motivation and performance of your Teaching Wonder consistently aligns with goals for higher achievement scores to positively impact our nation's economy, simply use your copyrighted TW Adaptor (purchased separately) to connect your Teaching Wonder to the nearest computer and allow 10 minutes for each update to sync. This educational investment in your worker will significantly improve its productivity in your home or classroom. We are pleased to announce that this syncing process will soon include updates that allow Teaching Wonders' teachers to digitally interact with each other, creating healthy competition within the Teaching Wonder labor force, thus increasing the value of your Teaching Wonder. Indeed, this will ensure that your human student is prepared for college or a career.
WARNING: If your Teaching Wonder at any time begins to question its working conditions, affordable benefits, or fair salary increases, you must destroy it immediately. We are sure that you will agree that this is economically sound for the Teaching Wonder labor market and the most palatable way to ensure maximum organizational benefits.
As you can see, building the perfect teacher with Teaching Wonders is as easy as framing a photocopy of a masterpiece... and twice the fun.
Or is it?
Coming up...
Is it possible to take "some boring, antiquated, real-life teacher" and make him/her into a human version of the Teaching Wonder in time to avoid extinction? What would the "right parts" consist of? What would the investment be? What would the Assembly Instructions say? What might you need to troubleshoot? What would the training manual say?
What would be required beyond Patience and Optimism?
No comments:
Post a Comment