The Honor of Listening Deeply

When Someone Deeply Listens To YouBy:   John Fox


When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you've had since childhood
and watching it fill up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved.

When someone deeply listens to you
the room where you stay
starts a new life
and the place where you wrote
your first poem
begins to glow in your mind's eye.
It is as if gold has been discovered!

When someone deeply listens to you
your bare
feet are on the earth
and a beloved land that seemed distant
is now at home within you.

* * * * * * * * * *

For years, I have found inspiration in John Fox’s poem about the refreshing joy and deep pleasure brought to us when someone listens deeply.  So just what IS listening deeply?  How can we listen in ways that allow those speaking to us to at home within themselves while with us—to feel understood and accepted?

As a literacy coach, I sometimes underestimate the difference that it makes to simply listen—to talk less and receive more.  It’s during the times (which are increasing in quantity) that I “shut up and listen” that I hear teachers leading me—and themselves—to the thinking that needs to happen for them to find where they want to go next.  I think that this work can even be soulful in that it helps people embrace who they are so that things become possible that once felt impossible.

Panache Desai says, “I’m an old friend here to remind you of how magnificent you are… you are not your stories, you’re not your conditioning, you’re not your past…even messing up is a call to bring you to something greater.”  Desai is talking about how humanity is the doorway to the divine… I believe that’s true.

So how, as a coach, can I help people find the doorway to their own teaching significance—teaching magnificence?  To feel like they are making a difference as they strive to improve their lives and to reach the lives of the learners around them?

As a coach, I think that helping others to see that they are more than their stories, their conditioning, their past to find and celebrate their significance—magnificence—at work is part of an unwritten guideline for how I want to live, who I want to be.  I think that starts with deeply listening to others.

Desai believes that every person that comes into being is here to teach us something in our own lives but also in our collective lives—our interconnected lives.  Desai says, “…we are single threads of a fabric that weave this great tapestry of life.  So when one of us begins to accept who we are and love who we are, it begins to vibrate out to everyone for everyone else.  Imagine the power and possibility.”

If each teacher realizes his/her magnificence (but in a humble manner, recognizing the need to value of every person's life and contributions), we will have the strength to look for the magnificence in others, enabling them to trust that they are part of the threads that weave the fabric of our professional learning community’s tapestry.

How do we lead teachers—a humble group by nature--into seeing their significance, their magnificence?  Desai says, "We've judged ourselves out of our natural state.  We've bought into everyone else's conversations and rules and regulations, and it's completely unsustainable.  We can only ever be who we are; at some point, that has to be good enough--FOR US."

If others can help us find our purpose--our significance--and to find our way back to our natural state of magnificence, it surely starts with deeply listening.  There are many ways to do this, and here are a few that I believe must happen for successful coaching.  In a previous post, I spoke of my supervisor who makes me feel valued, who “has my back.”  In thinking about how she embodies deeply listening, I have noticed a pattern.  She always, always, always applies these strategies:


Be available and then present in the moment. 

• Never tell someone how busy you are or any details about your schedule.  If you do that, they feel like they are imposing.  Instead, tell them what you CAN do, and make it as soon as possible.  Try to make it as convenient to them as possible… sometimes that means meeting earlier in the morning than you would normally be at work, or at a time in the evening when you might normally be cooking dinner.  If you are willing to occasionally go out of your way for someone, you are showing that they matter.  Most people won’t ask you to do this often, if at all.  But being available means sometimes making sacrifices with your personal time in order to make your speaker’s life easier. 
• Clear the physical space between us.  Don’t let anything distract you from being a good listener.  Don’t let your eyes wander to paperwork, your calendar, and your electronic devices.  Look at the person who is speaking: watching his/her eyes, facial expressions, body language, and think about his/her words—search for the jewels of wisdom that may be hiding underneath, just waiting to be discovered. If you see them, you can lead your speaker to them.
  
  Ask questions that deepen your understanding of the speaker’s story. 
  
• Ask questions that lead the speaker into knowing what s/he thinks, how s/he sees a situation or solution, and then guide him/her into making the best decision possible.  Provide scaffolding that stretches your speaker into trying something that is just within their reach, but do it in such a way that she will continue fearlessly climbing her own learning ladder, safe in taking risks.
• Avoid asking questions that really don’t aide in deepening your understanding as a listener.  A life coach once told me that questions asked solely out of curiosity are questions that don’t need to be asked.  I think that this helps define the difference between finding and using information to support someone vs. just being “nosy” or overly curious.  It will help you earn trust as a listener and will enable you to make the most of your time with the speaker.
  
  Be yourself; show yourself—but focus on the speaker. 
  
• Share only small tidbits from her experiences/perspective on teaching/coaching that are helpful to the speaker.  Don’t tell personal stories.  If a story starts with the words, “When I was in the classroom…” it doesn’t need to be told.  Instead, think about what this person needs to figure out for themselves—your experiences and perspective can help YOU to know what that is as you are listening and thinking about what they are telling you.  Without imparting your own story, you can use this to help guide the speaker into seeing solutions and ideas through their own eyes, their own experiences, their own perspectives.  Keep the conversation focused on their needs, their classrooms, their students.
• Bring humor into situations when it’s warranted.  Sometimes seeing the funny or ridiculous side of something can bring clarity to what is really happening or needs to happen.  Humor is a great aspect of relationships, demanding emotional intelligence while keeping the learner safe—as long as it’s done tastefully with good timing.
  
  
  Hopefully, talking to your instructional coach can help a speaker define what it is he/she wants/needs.  It enables the coach to find opportunities and resources to lead the client into realizing professional goals. 
  
  The energy of your thoughts and speaking, coupled with our desire to deeply listen, can help us do our work of co-creating (with you) the teaching life you wish to have.